Archive for February, 2011

(2:27 AM)

Although I probably shouldn’t have so soon, on general principles, I asked God to fill me today.  I had some chills before it started full-on, but my pupils weren’t dilated then so I think at that point He was there but not merged with me yet.  When I felt Him fully, it was strong.  I’d been wondering again if there was something He wanted me to do besides of course have faith, some task He had for me as part of His plan or…  anything. I guess the idea of getting a steady flow of blessings and doing nothing in return is still hard for me.  As I breathed shallow breaths and felt the…  heaviness is as close as I can get to describing it…  I started to tell Him about what I would do and why I wanted to.  I said, “I’d do anything for You.  Anything You wanted.  Anything at…” and it was if my mouth, tongue and jaw had gone…  soft?…  and couldn’t make words any more. I never experienced anything like it before, and once the flow of words was stopped it was like…  inertia, like the silence would be hard to break again…  and I felt like I could probably force words out if I really tried, but since I knew what had happened of course I didn’t WANT to speak.  It’s rare that He acts on me physically in that way, in fact this may be just the 2nd time, and I take that VERY seriously.  So, He doesn’t want me to talk about doing something for Him right now;  I’ll wait patiently for the day when I can serve Him in some way.

I noticed again today that my pupils were still dilated after the main event has faded;  is it that my body is slow to recover from His presence, or that He stays in me after the big feelings are done?  Another interesting question.

HUGE day.  Amazing.

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I told someone else

I revealed my relationship with God today to a friend who is deeply spiritual, in an Eastern mysticism sort of way.  I’m adding this in on 3-14 because I totally didn’t think to post about it at the time;  luckily, I got the date from a check from that day, so I know it’s right.  I can’t even remember how I dove into it anymore, sadly, but he listened with his usual politeness…  he’s so introverted that he is often hard to read.  Our spiritual discussions and connection have exploded since then, so this ended up being very significant.

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The fertile void

(12:01 AM)

I saw this term on a forum today, one where there are many terms being used that are new to me, but this is the one I was strongly drawn to look up.  Here’s what I found:

“In some cases, our life may go completely off the rails. We may unexpectedly find ourselves, for example, facing a major illness or the death of someone close to us

Whatever the circumstances that turn our world upside down, what eventually emerges is that, no matter how hard we try to hold on to what was, the life we’ve known will probably never be the same again. The next question begging to be answered is, “Now what?”

And the answer lies in not doing anything, at least in the short term…

Taking time out from our busy lives, then, particularly when forced upon us by circumstances, can be a truly unnerving experience. When we feel the familiar foundations giving way beneath us, this is usually a signal that some aspect of our life is changing or coming to an end. Fearful because the path ahead may not be clear, we feel out of control. Where we used to find stability in our ‘doing’, now we’re lost in a void that has opened up before us. And when we can tolerate the uncertainty no longer, our inclination is to act immediately, without plan or thought, filling ourselves up with people and things, and shaping our life into what we think it ought to be.

On the other hand, if we can resist the urge to rush into figuring out what’s next and simply be with the confusion of not knowing, we may find ourselves in a void that is actually fertile with new possibility. Fertile void sounds like a contradiction, but chaos theory and the stories about creation tell us that a ‘created something’ inevitably emerges out of an ‘empty nothingness.’ The void is in fact a source of pure potential.

Recall for a moment what it’s like to be stuck in the car during a traffic jam or on a subway train stalled between stations. In both instances, you most likely don’t know why you’re stopped or when you can expect to start moving again. All you know is that you are where you are – in the car or on the train – and there’s very little that you can do except wait. Being in the fertile void can feel like this. When we’re stuck or undergoing a major life transition, we’re plunged into this in-between place of not knowing what’s next.

Rather than control and shape what you hope will happen next by imposing tried and true habits and beliefs, try letting go of ‘doing’ and enter into a place of just ‘being.’ This means paying attention to what you are experiencing right now in all its discomfort – the anger, the grief, the confusion, the overall sense of not having any control about what is happening. There is much to be gained by trusting that the ‘now what?’ will emerge from the creative energy of the fertile void.

When we consciously enter into these chaotic feelings from a perspective of not knowing what’s next, we allow the possibility for something new and fresh to emerge. In other words, in letting go of preconceived notions and expectations about how things should be, we open up to what might be. When we empty ourselves of what we think we know, we make space for the emergence of other possibilities and choices. Although experiencing our confusion to the utmost can be painful, something inevitably shifts in the process. The response to ‘now what?’ becomes clearer.

This is not to say the clarity we seek will come quickly. The fertile void is essentially a time of waiting, not acting. Of stepping outside our busy “doing” to rest in the stillness and quietude of our being. It is a time to become exquisitely aware of everything calling for our attention. As such, it is a time to re-examine aspects of our life and let go those that no longer feel right. Ultimately, the fertile void is an opportunity to reconnect with the essence of who we are and how we want to be in the world.”


Note the date of the article;  that date is the exact month that my mother created the trust that is now the source of my stress and struggle.


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(12:03  AM)

I’m working on a letter to one of the financial institutions that my mother had $ with, trying to deal with what I’ve inherited from her, and JO just came on with today’s sermon…  entitled “Receiving your inheritance.”  Hair-raising.

Earlier today, I was given a condolence card with the following wonderful handwritten addition:

Psalm 34:4 (New International Version, ©2010)

4 I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.



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He was with me today

(1:44 AM)

I asked Him to be with me today, to fill me with His presence.  It took time, as it sometimes does, since He has 7 billion other people to look after besides me.  When a doubt would creep into my mind that maybe this would be the first time it didn’t work, I’d tell myself firmly, in my personal shorthand for maintaining faith,”No!!  Faith.”  (Faith is sometimes still a conscious choice with me;  as long as I can HAVE faith, I think He is satisfied.)  When it happened, it was pretty intense;  I didn’t have as much physical feeling as some other times, but it left me a little short of breath (although perfectly able to take a deep breath if I tried, as always), and eventually slightly light-headed, so it was overwhelming my brain a little bit.  Nothing in the universe could ever be better than that feeling of God’s power and love.

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