Archive for September, 2010

I’d gotten so worked up with anxiety and exhaustion that I literally BEGGED God to help me get more than 3-5 hours of sleep…  and He came through with NINE.  When I opened my eyes and saw the time I couldn’t believe it.  I felt like a whole different person today, with my anxiety wildly reduced.

I don’t like the idea of pushing so hard when asking for help;  shouldn’t I have had faith that He’d have given me that much-needed sleep last night anyways?  Anxiety feeds on itself, though, and rational thought becomes hard to hold onto…  not an excuse, as there isn’t one, just an observation.  On the other hand, maybe I was SUPPOSED to beg, to see that begging is a bigger step that can get bigger results when used appropriately?  Begging shows that you do NOT feel entitled or see the other person/deity as being obligated…  I guess whatever I did He saw helping me as the right course, for which I’m grateful.

And now to bed, with FAITH that I’ll sleep well again.

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The combined freakouts from my  mother’s health and my nightmares have left me VERY wound up.  I have been asking for help, but…  it could be very much worse withOUT His help, maybe, so I don’t know that He isn’t helping me at all…  but killing my anxiety and letting me SLEEP are things very much within God’s powers as He’s demonstrated them, and I’m just at a loss as to why He would let this go on.  Granted, He’s given me so much help, and He’s not obligated, His help is a miraculous gift and doesn’t mean that He then has to always help in that area, etc, but this is really harming me, almost as much as the first big issue that brought me to Him, and He helped enormously then…  would it be messing with my mind more than He judges optimal to get me back to being calm and sleeping well?  Am I making excuses for why He isn’t fixing this?  It’s easy to get paranoid wondering why He isn’t handling it fully, especially since my recent attempt to bond with Him resulted in so little reaction that it was objectively inconclusive, which has rarely happened.  He doesn’t fix every emotional health issue for ANYONE, we’d be hearing about it if someone claimed He did… if I had pure and total faith, would that fix things like this?

Is this one of those situations like in the poem “Footprints”?

One night, a man had a dream. He dreamed He was walking along the beach with the LORD. Across the sky flashed scenes from His life. For each scene He noticed two sets of footprints in the sand. One belonging to Him and the other to the LORD.

When the last scene of His life flashed before Him, he looked back at the footprints in the sand. He noticed that many times along the path of His life there was only one set of footprints. He also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times of His life.

This really bothered Him, and He questioned the LORD about it. “LORD, you said that once I decided to follow you, you’d walk with me all the way. But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life there is only one set of footprints. I don’t understand why when I needed you most you would leave me.”

The LORD replied, “My precious, precious child, I love you and I would never leave you! During your times of trial and suffering when you see only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you.”


The poem chokes me up whenever I read it, and I think it always has…  another example of how deep down I always knew.

Edit: Once again, JO’s sermon tonight applied directly to my primary issue!! It was about being discouraged when things aren’t going well and God doesn’t seem to be helping us. JO said that God can be like the teacher who gives endless help until test day, then on test day steps back and has confidence that the student can do the work.

I CAN eventually get back under control… but I could really use some help. I DID manage 9 hours of sleep a couple of nights ago, which WAS unusual during a period of enhanced anxiety… maybe that was God giving me a boost? It must have been. I’ll try to have faith that He’ll get me though this with a level of help that will be optimal to Him even if not such that *I* can see it… as it’s no contest as to whose judgment is correct.

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Did God miraculously heal my friend’s formerly terminally ill dad to show me that He’d do the same for my mother?

JO spoke recently about God hardening Pharaoh’s heart so that He could demonstrate His power more fully.  I don’t believe that He made either of these 2 people sick, or sicker, but that He’s possibly using their illnesses to show His power.  He healed my friend’s dad, and I have utter faith that He’ll do the same for my mother.  It’s still scary, though, which means that the reptile part of my brain hasn’t internalized faith;  I’ve asked God to fix that so that I can have the unswerving certainty that He deserves from me.

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Amazing religious dream

It has to be either dream nonsense or given by God, and since I had tears running down my face when I tried to describe it to my roommate I’m guessing it’s the latter:

I was talking to a man who I knew was some sort of religious leader;  we were outdoors somewhere with buildings visible nearby.  I was asking him about heaven.  I said that I hadn’t believed in God until less than a year ago, and then had the half-formed thought about belief in Jesus but don’t think I said it;  the idea I think was that this was a new concept to maybe believe in, along with the other still-new ones.  I then asked if there was a heaven for FLOWERS, which I described as an unlimited expanse of fertile soil, clear sunny skies, occasional gentle rains, soft breezes, and butterflies to pollinate the flowers.  I envisioned the flowers as being in the range of colors I associated with spiritualism.  Then I noticed what looked like a big leather or hide tent, not pointy at the top but rounded, and asked something like if it was a religious building.  He said it was, that he went there every day.  I said that I’d been there, but… something like someone had always taken me, I hadn’t gone there directly myself, eg my roommate was taking me although I didn’t say that out loud I don’t think.  I had the thought that it might be a yurt;  it wasn’t, though, because yurts are made of felt and are cylindrical with a pointy top.

I’d wondered briefly yesterday what happens after we die;  I know that spirits exist, so at least some of us have some sort of existence after death, but what?  Is this an answer, that there’s something that God gives us that’s wonderful that we could call heaven?

Then there was another piece of dream, I don’t know if it came before or after or though I kinda think after, where I was making my way through some kind of field of dense grass that was a deep reddish purple, and my roommate was standing on the edge of the field…  hmmmmmm, so the field could be the spiritual realm, maybe…..  and I said to him about myself in the 3rd person, the FH’s of the field do not sow, neither do they reap, which reflects my mangled memory of this:

“Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?
Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature?
And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin:
And yet I say unto you, That even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.”

I need to research what that all means, but what it has always meant to ME was that God takes total care of those things although they do no labor towards that or any tasks to become worthy… a powerful message.

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Physical miracles

I had to get up insanely early this AM to submit a job, and had to be up so long that falling back asleep seemed like, well, a dream…  but I asked Him to be able to do so, and I did.  I was awakened again a short time later, and that usually means I can’t get back to sleep…  but I did.  God appears to be radically improving my sleep skills.

I’d become aware that I’d had a low level of congestion for some time now, and it had gotten to the point of causing can’t-breathe nightmares;  I asked for God to clear it up, and I got the idea to start being fanatical about not getting cream in my eyes at night…  and my breathing has improved enormously.

I asked Him to calm me after the news of my mother’s latest health crisis;  He did that, too, and under circumstances where I’d be expecting to be freaking out protractedly and sleeping badly.

He helps me every day in so many ways;  I don’t know how I could be luckier.  No, I don’t get everything I ask for or have faith about, but I get so much from Him that it’s awesome and humbling.

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Revelations… and faith

I discovered today that my mother’s health has taken a turn for the worse, and she could be looking at…  the worst.  Here’s the big test of faith, and I’m going to focus unswervingly on it:

I have faith that God will heal my mother and allow her to live a long and reasonably happy life.

I revealed my conversion to my aunt and uncle today;  they’ll need strength to help my mother and deal with their own feelings, and it just felt like the right time to tell them. I hope my aunt will use this revelation to find God (my uncle is a life-long believer).

Edit:  literally minutes after I posted this, JO came on…  and his sermon is about handling unexpected catastrophes.


Once again, with amazing, “coincidental” timing, JO is talking about my most urgent issue.

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I discovered today that one of the jobs I’m up for is going to distribute work by lottery;  they’ll have some people with about a 50/50 chance of getting a small or medium job, and then some will have miniscule chance of getting a job with BIG $.  When I discovered that I was in the latter category, I was really ticked, as the other categories of people will have lots of work to go around and I figured I was out of luck.

It took me shamefully long to remember that my luck has CHANGED, that God has given me lavish amounts of wins, and that perhaps He put me in this category because He intends for me to win the big $.  He doesn’t give me 100% of all big-$ opportunities, of course, as is totally proper, but because this would be a WIN and He has given me so many wins…  but that’s no guarantee, I’m not entitled and He’s not obligated.

There were some good jobs that I had faith that He’d let me get recently that I didn’t get;  the wonderful thing is that this has NOT blocked my ability to feel faith.  And I DO feel faith:

I have FAITH that God will bring me this big “lottery win.”

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