Archive for July 2nd, 2010

The terrible thing that happened 8 months ago and led me to God is still unresolved.  Worse, I’ve now worked my way up to the CEO of the company involved, and he has neither replied nor, as far as I know, taken action to involve anyone else, since such action would lead to my being contacted.  It’s not totally certain that it’s over yet, he might just be slow to act since this can hardly be a priority for him, and I’ll try him once more before giving up on him…

I have faith that if God wants this to be fixed it will be;  that’s just common sense.  BUT;  how can I know what His plan is?  It would seem bizarre and almost cruel for this major issue, the one that led me to Him, to become a permanent disaster, which makes it seem like He WOULD help…  but I’ve had 8 months of significant loss because of this already, and THAT can also be seen as bizarre and almost cruel, so maybe it’s not such a stretch to see that this could end badly because He’s NOT fixing this one, or at least not beyond the point of the $ I was owed by them being unexpectedly returned to me (plus an unexplained $50 extra) at the beginning of the year.

I WANT to believe that God will save me in the bottom of the 9th, but since He does NOT fix EVERYTHING for me, nor should He, I have no basis on which to be sure of ANY specific favor being granted without any kind of revelation as a guide.  I DID have an insight on 4-5, that

“Jesus’ last words were “It is finished,” which is supposed to mean that he had faith that God was going to take over and make it all good”

which seemed doubly meaningful because totally non-associated preachers said it on consecutive programs, and gave me hope that such a striking “coincidence” was reassurance that this would be handled…  and I totally understand, and agree with, that God handles things in HIS time, not the time most convenient to ME…

Fear is holding me back.  That really was a pretty major sign, but 2 more months have passed, and…  what if I feel certain that the sign meant that He WILL fix this and then it ends up NOT fixed?  I’m not capable of the illogical faith of a small child who keeps being certain that his parents will do right by him even if they’ve failed, or even abused, him over and over;  God knows this, and apparently values the way I rationally work things out in the spiritual realm, given the special attention He has blessed me with (I can’t think of anything else that would make me stand out in a spiritual way).  I DO have faith that He will help me with MANY things, even MOST things…  but how do I handle having faith about a SPECIFIC thing?  Isn’t that alot like feeling ENTITLED?  I’m NOT entitled, and absolutely abhor the idea of ever feeling that way…

I don’t feel much emotion normally, but I’m doing some true agonizing over this;  I WANT to have strong and unswerving faith, and of course I WANT to believe that God will handle this, by far biggest issue in my life, and one that I’ve asked for help with since Day 1…  I’m afraid, afraid to put my faith out there and then have it not happen, because it would give me doubts, make me feel foolish, and yes be an easy target for anyone I eventually try to help into the light to say, “Yeah, right, I notice you didn’t get the main thing you asked for, so what is your faith based on, that God will give you the smaller stuff but not the big ones?”…  but He HAS given me big help, most notably and radically with my anxiety, but that’s just a deluded claim to a skeptic because I can’t prove it.

And of course the biggest skeptic of all is ME;  I still occasionally find myself wondering if this whole thing could be self-fulfilling prophesies, delusion, wishful thinking and a coincidental spurt of luck with winning stuff…  but it’s just too many different things that have all started happening together, and I’d have to be noticeably crazy to keep deluding myself about so many experiences!!  I KNOW that!!  PLEASE, dear God, help me to not have those thoughts, they’re obscene!!

I’m going to say it.  I need to take the risk and say it even though I don’t fully believe it, I’m going to post it where anyone in the world might see it, and if it ends up not being true I’ll deal with it, I just need to TRY and have true faith even though I KNOW that He won’t give me everything I want and so I might have to be disappointed.


There.  It’s done.  I will handle whatever happens.  He has done astoundingly much for me, and if these things don’t happen I WILL continue to have faith because He has EARNED that from me a million times over.  In the same way that I’d continue to have faith in a person who always does the best they can but inevitably sometimes fails.  God of course can NEVER fail, but He clearly has self-imposed limits on how much of what kinds of intervention He’s willing to do;  these limits are RIGHT by definition, and if He doesn’t “deliver” because of these limits that doesn’t mean He didn’t do His best for me, or that He’s not deserving of my total faith.

Big breakthrough!!  WHEW!!  I MUST be able to feel faith, have it not go my way, and still continue feeling faith.  I WILL, no matter what it takes!!!!!!  And I will NOT have faith only or even partly in the hopes of being rewarded!!  I MUST have faith just because I love Him and He deserves it!!  I WILL!!!!!

Update 7-23-12:  Since I inexplicably got a hit to this 2 year old post today, I wanted to add that I DID eventually get back with that company, but in a way I’d never have imagined;  see my post of 5-18-12, “God gives me a major victory.”

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