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Archive for June, 2010

I reported a few days ago that I’d had one of those dreams where you realize you’re dreaming and, although my entire life I’ve typically had minor and patchy control in such dreams at best, unlike normal people who apparently have a great deal, this time I had so much control that it brought me up short in mid-dream.

The night before last, I was having a dream about the man who has thus far been the big love of my life, and he suddenly vanished.  I became, I guess, semi-aware that I was dreaming;  I vaguely thought that I could “find” him if I looked around, meaning that he’d “magically” be behind a door or something, which means that I WAS somewhat aware.  Anyways, I looked at the bed, and like a special effect the shape of a body filled out under the covers;  I lifted them up, and there he was…  not someone with a tiny bit of resemblance to him, like would be typical for me, but HIM.  And the action went the way I wanted it to, which is also unusual.

To go from virtually NEVER having any non-trivial control to major control twice in a row, just days apart, is BIG…  and of course due to God and not coincidence.

Another hopeful thing:  My best tree was mostly killed off by vermin, and I’ve been asking God to bring it back. Today, my roommate commented that it had the most growth he’d seen on it in a long time.  Natural wonder or answered prayer? God gets my vote for now; if it does really come back, that’ll be all the proof I’ll need.

Edit 8-10-12:  It got worse before it got better, but the past year or so it HAS been coming back, and since the vermin have miraculously vanished, it looks like it will flourish again… that’s all the proof I need, not that I need ANY.

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I asked God many times to help me get through today, which was going to be busy, exhausting and stressful.

I had a job at the crack of dawn.  Insanely, I felt the need before we left to turn the answering machine volume back on and play the 2 trivial messages my roommate had carelessly saved there from the previous day, KNOWING they were from yesterday and there was no possibility of them being anything else.

My roommate drove me to the job, intending to drop me off and mess around until I’d be done several hours later.  He felt sick, though, and decided to go back home and just come back for me at the end.

I hadn’t been there for long before they announced that they’d overbooked…  but those of us that they didn’t need would STILL BE PAID!!

So now I had my big check, and several extra hours for the busy day…  but my roommate had no way of knowing, and there was no chance he’d turned the phone’s ringer back on, and he doesn’t check for new messages, and I was looking at sitting around waiting for him for hours.  With virtually no hope, I called…  and he picked up after I said my first sentence!! He’d gotten home already, and had heard me because I’d put the A/M volume back on contrary to all reason before we left.

So, thanks to God’s help, I got big $ for no work, plus I can sign up for that job again because I didn’t actually participate this time, plus I got those much-needed hours back, plus because I inexplicably turned on the AM volume and my roommate inexplicably felt bad enough to go right home I got picked right back up.

In my wildest imagination I could never have come up with that as a possible way for the day to turn out, and I certainly would never have ASKED for such a bizarre series of events and “coincidences”…  but God, as JO always says, provided for me beyond what I had ever imagined.

One of the errands I needed to do was stock up at my fave body products store because, by another amazing coincidence, they were on the way home, AND had just dropped their prices to what I know is rock bottom for the current mega-sale yesterday;  because I was there so early, I got all the goodies I wanted quickly, and found something for my impossible-to-shop-for mother, AND got a thing for $10 off a future purchase.

When I got home, a parade of  *5* little specialty jobs (2 of them better than average and one of them BIG)  came to me within a few hours;  major for any day, surreal for a FRIDAY.

God never ceases to amaze me;  He gives so much, so frequently, and asks nothing in return…  He just hopes, I think, that I’ll have faith and keep him “1st place in my life,” but forgives me when I fall short.  As I keep saying;  to go from being legendary for my bad luck to this almost unnervingly lavish series of blessings is mindboggling.

I’m so grateful. I’m blessed beyond words.  I could weep when I think of all the times He tried to reach me in my life and I wouldn’t see Him;  I’d do anything to make up for it, even if He never provided me with another miracle or near-miracle again. I’m finally understanding how people can feel overwhelming love for God;  I’m starting to feel it myself, not because of His gifts but because of the love He has for me that leads to His generosity.

I have asked many times to be able to FEEL the love for Him that He deserves, that a normal person would feel.  It’s finally happening!!!!!

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I should have returned my DVD’s Sunday night, but I got caught up and forgot to;  thus, no new DVD’s were sent out Monday, and so no new DVD’s came today, leaving me with nothing to watch tonight.  Making the best of mediocre options, or so I thought, I watched an objectively dumb religious-themed flick that in some muddied way was partially about the Gospel of Thomas.  At the end of the movie they had text that made it seem like this gospel was REAL;  I felt a strong urge to look it up, and it IS real.  Here are the Wikipedia quotes that knocked me out:

“salvation is personal and found through spiritual (psychological) introspection. In Thomas saying 70, Jesus says, “If you bring forth what is within you, what you have will save you.”

“The teaching of salvation (i.e., entering the Kingdom of Heaven) that is found in The Gospel of Thomas is neither that of “works” nor of “grace” as the dichotomy is found in the canonical gospels, but what might be called a third way, that of insight. The overriding concern of The Gospel of Thomas is to find the light within in order to be a light unto the world.”

Since I found the path from utter heathenism to full religious enlightenment “through spiritual (psychological) introspection,” the idea that this was the path to salvation resonates powerfully for me.

During the movie I started wondering if my lifelong resonance with certain religious things, which my religious friends interpreted as my “knowing” that God was real on some deep level (and I now of course agree with them), meant more than just the presence of God;  after all, there were more of these “resonances” with JESUS imagery than with God imagery per se, so how can I reasonably ignore the former while embracing the latter?  If only God was real, then why all the reactions to Jesus imagery?  If I accept that my reactions to the smaller # of God images was meaningful, how can I with any logic ignore the more frequent reactions to Jesus imagery?

And then to look up the Gospel of Thomas and discover that it seems to focus on the path I took to find God…  and to have felt vaguely “steered” towards the movie…  it’s really making me think.

And I think…  I’m going to start trying to talk to Jesus and see what happens.

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A week ago, I posted the incredible story, especially to anyone who knows me and the sort of luck I’d previously had my entire life, that I’d won raffles 2 weeks in a row on a site where I didn’t even know how the raffles WORKED.

As you’ve guessed from the title, I just won the raffle for the THIRD consecutive week on that site. On top of my other recent wins.

I spell “3rd win in a row”… G-O-D.

Whatever He does for me is a GIFT, and although I have faith that He will continue to care for me, I don’t EXPECT any specific thing, as I have no way of knowing His plan for me.

Clearly, though, He still intends to present me with miracles for now;  I hope that when the time comes for me to carry out His will that I don’t fail Him.

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Instant help

God has assisted me several times when I was in distress and asked for help, as when He instantly removed my anxiety when I asked to be calm, or how He took my symptoms of internal distress away after I ate the wrong thing and it gave me a variety of unpleasant symptoms.

Today, it was purely emotional distress, but He still gave instant help:  I was working on a project on my bed, and had to scramble up to answer the door.  When I got back, a piece was missing;  this wasn’t a small piece, it’s skinny but almost 2 feet long, so I should have been able to find it right away even if it had fallen to the floor and been kicked around, but there was no sign of it.  I was leaping around and freaking out, looking over and over at every possible spot;  finally, I sat down to get back to work, and said out loud to God to please help me find the missing item.

My eyes shot to the side and I saw it immediately;  it had gotten somewhere strange, draped over a couple of stuffies.

My eyes didn’t feel forced in any way, nor did I have any feeling of being “manipulated”;  I asked for help, and God directed my eyes in a way that felt natural but of course wasn’t, since I had no reason to suddenly look over there, much less DIRECTLY at the one spot where the missing item was visible.

The more fully I incorporate Him into my every waking moment, the more fully He is with me.  Why would anyone who truly believes in Him NOT seek the fullest possible relationship?  What do they have going on that they think is bigger or better?  There’s nothing I want more than to be closer to Him;  yes, I get tangible benefits, but that pales beside the love, care and concern of GOD, heck even a human who cared this way would be worth their weight in titanium, and to go from a lifetime in an emotional vacuum to this kind of…  enfolding and buoying up…  is amazing.

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Yesterday, I had a big coupon to redeem, and had a list of stores I could redeem it at in the area I was going to be in (and rarely am in).  I’d been up insanely early, I was exhausted, and I wanted to be done with it (I’d been stressing over redeeming it in time, as it was for a large amount).  I finally found a store with some possible stuff… but I found myself thinking I should go to the last store, even though it seemed very likely, given the tiny amount of acceptable merchandise every other store had had, that it was a waste to keep going.

By far the best thing I’d seen all day was at the last store…  for the EXACT amount of the coupon.  I’m pretty sure I can credit God with steering me to the final store.

Today, my roommate got some decent pay, and I got another BIG job;  we’ve got a couple more big ones next week.  I credit God with this previously unimaginable density of $ as well;  He has really come through with the bigger jobs that I asked for so that I could do a little less cheaper work and get more sleep.

This is a crucial thing;  ANY gift is a GIFT, and deserving of appreciation and gratitude, and frigging AWE that GOD has taken the time away from running the universe to cater to my desires.  I’m not going to get every single thing I want, or gifts given to me in the exact way I might prefer;  we all know what people who DO get everything that way are like, and God is 100% right (naturally!!) to not indulge my every whim.

I kind of wish I knew what His plan was, though, so that I could tailor my hopes accordingly.

Whatever happens, GOD will remain #1 with me.  That God has chosen to be so involved in my life will ALWAYS be the most important aspect of my life;  I’d have to be utterly insane to view it any other way.  Even if He never gives me any other blessings, that He revealed Himself to me will be enough for me for as long as I live.  Yes, I want to get nice things and for good stuff to happen as much as anyone does, but…  wouldn’t any child trade everything they have to get the time and attention of a loving parent?  Same concept.  His presence is His ultimate blessing.

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Help and healing

I’ve had a troublesome issue dragging on since the end of last year;  it’s the issue whose crushing initial stress precipitated my conversion.  I’ve been slowly working my way up the ladder of the company involved trying to solve it.  The last person I tried, who is a VP, was the only one that ever emailed back, and of course never DID anything.  The latest person, who’s some kind of “officer,”  clearly did something, as I got another f-off email (metaphorically speaking, but barely) from the original problem-causer today;  I suspect that the “officer” has been divinely influenced.  I’ve been asking God to use His influence on the people at this company to persuade someone to resolve the problem in my favor;  I have faith that whatever degree of help He gives will be the right one in the big picture, and I will accept whatever the end result is, although with some unavoidable grief if it ends up against me, with as much grace as I can muster.

Part of me is unhappy when I say some of these faith-related things, because since I’ve seen how faith is rewarded my brain may be coming up with some of this as a way to get more benefits, which would be terrible because I want REAL faith, not for the part of my brain that can generate stories to produce sterile sentences.  Since God can’t be fooled, or confused, He knows I’m not consciously trying to calculate this out, but I think I have some responsibility for my  UNconscious as well, so I need to be vigilant.

Anyways:  Given my revelation of 4-5:

“God doesn’t start anything that He can’t finish, that He won’t complete for you when the time is right…  people will want to go out of their way to do good things for you without knowing why, and God will give you a flourishing finish, bigger and better than you ever imagined”

I still feel hopeful about how this will end.

More help today;  my roommate and I were delayed enough in going out for the day so that he could get a job offer and close the deal.

And the healing;  I ate something bad while we were out, and had gradually worsening symptoms over the next hour or so;  I asked Him to fix it, and He did almost instantly.  Astonishing.

All of it.  Astonishing.

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